*The following article contains the following trigger warning: Suicide Prevention

This has to be one of the most emotional pieces I’ve written. It was hard for me to get through it without tearing up. It had to be talked about, and it has to be brought to the attention of people because we are losing countless people to this epidemic…

It was July 2016. My fiancée had just left me and I was feeling so lonely and unloved. One night while home alone, I hugged my dog, kissed him on the head and said, "I’m sorry.”

I walked to my room, dragging a dining room chair behind me, closed the door and tied a belt around the door handle. I tied the other end around my neck. I sat in the chair and just let go. I lost consciousness and woke up on the floor alone. My attempt at suicide was foiled by a faulty doorknob. My life, which felt like a curse at the time, wouldn’t let me go. That day, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that I never backslide or have never had those thoughts again. It’s just not reality. Nothing is perfect, especially this life. Some days it’s a beautiful orchestra and some days it’s a sh*t show. You sludge through the sh*t even though there may not be gold at the end of the rainbow.

I would like to think that those thoughts and the want to end my life had something more to do with a chemical imbalance, rather than the way I saw myself physically, perhaps because of my weight. I felt unlovable, undesirable, and ultimately feeling like my life wasn’t worth living. I would hate to think that there are people out there that feel that same way I did.

I was lucky enough to get help and try to change my thought process, but there are people out there that aren’t so fortunate. They don’t just need your thoughts and prayers. They need your love. They need you to call and tell them how much value they really have, despite their appearance.

Suicide is something we are aware of, but not something we ever like to talk about. The thoughts we have, the effect it has had on people in our lives. You never know who deals with the same things you do.

I heard this in a movie once and it’s resonated with me since I’ve seen it: “A lot of the time, we feel like our lives are the worst, but I think if you looked in somebody else’s closet, you wouldn’t trade your sh*t for their sh*t.” You don’t have it worse than everyone else; anything you’re going through can be worked through. Sometimes it’s something as simple as seeing a movie that can change your mind, your way of thinking, or how you’re feeling at the time.

This has to be one of the most emotional pieces I’ve written. It was hard for me to get through it without tearing up. It had to be talked about, and it has to be brought to the attention of people because we are losing countless people to this epidemic. 

Be there for someone. Be the reason they continue to live.

As always,
Be well, be happy, be kind, be loved.
-Sam

For the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, call 1-800-273-8255, available 24 hours everyday. Visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ for more information on how you can help prevent suicide.

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