I remember the day I woke up from the terrible dream that I was convinced was real. The one that said my life was over, that I had run out of chances for a happy ending. When I tried to hold on to what I thought my life was “supposed to” look like, and what was “supposed to” happen, I felt paralyzed with anger and grief. 

It took me years to be convinced that when I truly trust that Life will give me what I need, my world opens up. It may sound like an unlikely take on gratitude during this season of giving thanks, but this is the “Surrender” step I had fled from for years… 

Questions of Self

I’ve been thinking lately about the changes I have made in my life. Not the obvious ones like what I am going to do about retirement, but the internal ones:

What has given me more peace of mind than I have ever experienced?

How did I get to this place of accepting a life that comes with so much less angst and internal resistance?

How have I let go of that judging, critical mind, at least some of the time?

What continues to sustain my faith in the benevolence of the universe, despite disheartening events in the news?

These are the questions I have been pondering. They are so much more important, because they color my experience of everything that happens day-to-day, as well as in how I see myself. Perhaps it is because I have arrived at a stage of life where I have the luxury of some free time, but I am aware that something is different in how I am negotiating my life. 

When my marriage ended over 25 years ago, I was in a state of panic most days. I wasn’t prepared to think about being a single parent again. I couldn’t believe this was what my life would be. I had more questions than answers.

What happened? How could I work and take care of my young children? What would people think about me? Why weren’t my prayers being answered?

I could not see the forest for the trees. I was completely overwhelmed. And still, I had to make dinner for my children, help them with homework and get them to bed. It felt undoable, but I took one day, one task, one moment at a time, neither looking back too much nor looking ahead too far.

Guiding Lights

I have been lucky–or blessed—to have had many “lights” to guide me during that dark time of my life, and many others. During that time, I was barely aware of how my friends, colleagues, children, clients and family were guiding me on the path. Looking back now, I recognize them as lifelines, nudging me through the seemingly endless fog of confusion and insecurity. 

Two years after my marriage ended, I remember writing in my journal that Life was good. It had taken much work to reclaim my equilibrium—reading, reflecting, journaling, meditating, a support group and therapy, and a lot of prayer. I learned to open my eyes to how blessed I actually was. I had my children, a home, work I loved and a means to support us, and family and friends willing to be a support when I needed them.

I came to accept the life I was being shown. I would probably never marry again—I obviously "wasn’t very good at it”—but it was all ok. This acceptance engendered a deep gratitude, an expansive sense of hopefulness which was such surprise that it could bring me to tears.

Little did I know that this sweet surrender would open me up to a path I could never have imagined. The very next day after this particular journal entry, a former colleague called. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other for years. We planned a get-together to catch up.

That conversation was to be the unexpected beginning of the loving life we have built together for the past 24 years.

Life is Painful; Suffering is Optional

It is still hard to believe that I could discover my soulmate without even planning for it. Maybe it was because I was finally ready to share my life, not needing someone to rescue me from my life. I have learned that Life is like that.

In Zen Buddhism, we understand it as the core teaching of Impermanence. Nothing stays the same. Not the good stuff, nor the bad stuff. At every moment, life is changing; we are changing. What we think of as the “Reality” of our life, especially when we are struggling to understand and respond to challenges, losses and traumas, isn’t always what it is all about, and it doesn’t last forever. Nothing does.

So why do we suffer so much when we know this to be true? Why don’t we merely accept that sometimes life is just plain hard and painful, but it can get better?  Because we expect things to be a certain way. When they aren’t, we try harder to make it happen. And when that doesn’t work, we try even harder.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, until we run out of steam. We become exhausted and despairing, which leads us to a pivotal moment of choice about how to deal with it. We can shut down our feelings, sink into depression, harden our heart and become resentful. Or, we can let go of expectations that somehow it should be different.

If we do the latter, we can pray—not so much for things to change, because sometimes they just can’t—but for a change in attitude about the situation. We can ask for patience, wisdom, and the energy to persevere. We can surrender to our “powerlessness.”

The Serenity Prayer summarizes it well:

“God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”

Reminders of Light

“Imagine That Everyone is Enlightened But You.”

The truth and wisdom of “Surrendering” has been all around me recently, probably because I needed a reminder. Three situations came to my attention:

• A friend’s friend was declining and was causing him great anguish.

• A female client was struggling to work a demanding job full time, while worrying about not being home for her 2-year-old. Her husband is alternately launching a start-up company and fighting his own demons.

• A colleague planned an extravagant trip abroad, only to get COVID and be forced to return home after two days.

What do all these stories have in common? Each of these people had a plan about how life was “supposed” to go.

My friend’s friend was “supposed to” rally and regain his physical and cognitive health. My client was “supposed to” own her own home and be able to stay home with her daughter. My colleague was “supposed to” enjoy her well-earned vacation of a lifetime.

Each one was suffering, not so much because of what was happening around them, but from their holding onto beliefs and expectations about how it “should have” been. I could certainly relate! None of them got what they wanted and expected. Each perseverated about why life wasn’t happening as planned. Each began to sink into depression, suffering with self blame and anger.

My friend wondered what else he could be doing, even though he was exhausted from worrying and the twice-weekly 5-hour drives to visit his friend. 

My client became angry and despairing. She began thinking that she would never achieve her goal of being a stay at home Mom, something very important to her as she had lost her own Mother as a young child.

My colleague began to wonder if getting sick was her body’s way of reminding her that she doesn’t deserve good things in her life.

“And Then, One Day, It Will Be Different…”

This message on a greeting card—meant to be encouraging—it spoke to me. It spoke about how we can stay hopeful in the face of confusion and struggle, knowing that one day, it would be different. I had kept that card on my bulletin board for 20 years, to remind me of how even in the worst of times, life is “conspiring” to bring peace and harmony back into our life. Happily, that is what has happened for my three “teachers”. 

My friend came to accept that he was powerless in the face of his friend’s fate. He released some of the pressure he’d put on himself to “fix” the inevitable consequences of aging for his friend. He also began to reflect on why he thought he was the only one who could rescue his friend in some way. 

My client texted me a few days after her last session—she heard something about accepting and making the best of her situation --that it isn’t her fault. Something shifted in her energy and outlook. Something freed up inside of her. She began to take charge of her life and ask directly for the help she needed and deserved.

And my colleague, in accepting the wisdom of her body to slow down, began work to release old beliefs about her worth.

Each of these “lights” have been a reminder of how even the worst of times have hidden gifts, if we are open to looking for them. No one can tell us what those gifts are. That is the mysterious adventure of life.

A Hard-Earned Gratitude

Life is a solitary exploration for meaning. We may get caught up in the short story of our life and get lost in resentment and confusion, as I have plenty of times. But when I forget, Life reminds me that there is a much longer story waiting to be revealed.

I realize now that I needed some of my own experiences to help me look beyond my immediate circumstances. I needed to look a little deeper within myself to discover more honesty and more resilience than I thought I had. This led to the day I remembered to be grateful for all I did have in my life.

Now almost 25 years later, I am grateful for those most painful events of my life. What I have learned over these years is that it is not what happens to us that makes or breaks us, it is how we think about it.

This season of Thanksgiving, I will remember, and be grateful for all the hard-earned life lessons that have led me to see the truth around the power of “surrendering to what is,” and letting go of expectations, to make room for what can become. 

What challenging events from the past have helped you look deeper within yourself?
What lessons have these challenges taught you about your own strength?
Share your comments at the bottom of the page.

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