The Stories We Tell (Part 4)

In the last post in this series, we introduced the growing awareness that we are the product of generations who came before us, and that we carry, often unconsciously, their unfinished business. Intractable symptoms and problematic patterns in our life that resist attempts to rid our self of them may be signs of entanglements with generations past. Constellation work makes visible these powerful dynamics operating in our life.

Orders of Love

There is a set of main principles in Constellation Work called “Orders of Love” which help us see what is out of order in our family system and give us a roadmap for how to be in right relationship. These orders can become an important lens through which we view relationships and interactions in our personal and professional life. They help direct us in exploring how symptoms that upset our sense of well-being in any area of our life, whether physical, emotional, relational, spiritual, or work, make sense when viewed from this broader lens. These orders are:  

• Everyone belongs and everyone has a place in the system/family;

• Precedence—respect is to be given to those who came before;

• Relationships work best when there is a balance of Give and Take.

via Awaken.com

Belonging

I learned my first lesson about belonging very well during my early childhood. I grew up in a tight-knit Italian American family who met for years at Grandma’s house almost every Sunday. Sunday was the day when we were reminded who we belonged to, and it felt reassuring and comforting. The house was full of aunts and uncles and cousins; there was no question about what to expect: the kids played Monopoly for hours only to be interrupted by the call to eat. There was always a feast, and it would last for hours.

When we moved too far away to meet every Sunday, my parents continued the same Sunday tradition of Church/worship, followed by our main meal around 2 pm, often with company at dinner, and lots of pasta, wine, storytelling and laughter. Sometimes we were expected to stay at the table for 4-5 hours.

It was an idyllic period of my life–some would call it privileged—until I became a teenager and felt the pull from my peers to be doing something other than eating all day. I felt disloyal, although I didn’t have the language to express these uncomfortable feelings. Pretty quickly, I came to realize that belonging had its price when one didn’t live up to “what we do or think in this family": the price was Guilt!

Then, one Sunday, a friend invited me to her house. After begging to skip dinner at home just this once, I arrived to discover what it meant to “not belong.” When my Irish friend’s father made a joke about having "an Italian” for dinner, I felt the sting of feeling out of place. I think this was one of the first times I felt embarrassed about being different.

I felt disarmed and could barely swallow my food because I was fighting back tears of frustration, not knowing how to respond to his seemingly insensitive remark. Making explicit the differences between us made me begin to question the whole issue of belonging. It became the challenge of my life: staying connected to the many systems in my life including my family, my church, my school, my ethnicity, my peers—all of which had their own set of rules about belonging that were sometimes in conflict with each other—and holding onto my own values and beliefs.

I wondered if there was something that could get you excluded from the family, especially as I began to disagree with some of the family’s ways. I thought about my Grandfather’s brother who lived just around the corner from him, yet whom he hadn’t spoken to for years; was he still "part of the family"? Or a gay uncle who could never share his life for fear of possible rejection, who lived out of the country until he was dying at 42; did he have to "keep his life a secret" in order to be accepted? Then, there was the question of friends. And, my Church, with its scandals surrounding the sexual abuse of children.

What did I believe?

Where did I belong?

via The Guardian

Tests of Loyalty

I had one of my first tests of loyalty when I went to the High School of Music and Art.  I was meeting people of every color, religion and background. They seemed free-spirited. They were fun and kind, and very accepting of me. But secretly, I was a little afraid of their independent nature; I felt I would be drawn into a world that put me in even more conflict with my fitting in at home.

So, in a panic about returning to the school after summer break (the school my Father chose for me, by the way, another challenge of loyalty), I transferred to a Catholic high school for girls closer to home; back to where I "belonged!"

I don’t think my parents ever really understood the loyalty bind I was avoiding by doing so.  

At this point in life, I realize that the transition I struggled with as a younger person is really a predictable challenge on the journey to adulthood. We all need to discover who we are, what we believe, and how we want to live our lives. This launching stage is challenging at best.  However, when there are secrets about family members who are not talked about, or there are traumas and tragedies that are forgotten for the sake of “putting the past in the past,” there can be residual issues that surface in future generations. The result is symptoms that don’t fit the present circumstances. These can make it very difficult to move into our own life with open arms.

"If you look deeply into the palm of your hand,
you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors.
All of them are alive in this moment.
Each is present in your body.
You are the continuation of each of these people."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

Case Example: "Jerry"

An example of how a child can unconsciously take on the unfinished business of his parents, but look like he/she is the one with the problem is the story of "Jerry."

 Jerry was a young man who was stalking his girlfriend whenever they were apart because he was afraid she was cheating on him. No amount of reassurance from his girlfriend would allay his fears. In addition, he suffered from other obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that left him literally unable to relax.

He came to a Constellation workshop hoping to understand his worries and be able to trust his girlfriend. In the brief interview with Jerry at the beginning of the workshop, I learned of no apparent serious traumas or losses in his life or in his family. The only fact that seemed to have some possible relevance was that he was the only child of his parents; for both parents, this was a second marriage. So, a Constellation was set up with representatives for Jerry, his Mother and his Father. The representatives were instructed to come into the Constellation circle and find a place that was comfortable for them.

via Healing Body Therapeutics

The representative for Jerry faced his parents, while each parent turned to face away from him. When questioned about what each was experiencing, Jerry’s representative reported feeling sad, confused and alone; the Mother’s representative reported feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed; the Father’s representative reported feeling guilty and ashamed. The young man had no idea what this could mean.  

More representatives were brought in for the ex-spouses to stand in line with where each parent was facing in the Constellation, the ex-wife facing the Father, and the ex-husband facing the Mother. The ex-wife said she felt angry and confused, and felt some sort of connection with the ex-husband, who echoed her feelings.

At this point, the representative for Jerry got agitated and reported feeling angry and betrayed by his parents. This baffled Jerry, who insisted he had a warm, loving relationship with his parents. He chose to end the Constellation here. It was clear that there was some secret that predated his birth, but he was not ready to explore it further in this setting.

A few weeks later, at his next individual session, Jerry reported having had a conversation with his Mother, during which she confessed that the relationship between her and his Father had begun as an affair while each was still married. He was stunned, but somehow relieved. This information confirmed that, indeed, there was infidelity in the family system—a secret kept from him—and that this young man was actually carrying the fears, anger, and confusion of the ex-spouses whose hurts and losses were never acknowledged.

One may say that out of loyalty and love, Jerry carried the unfinished business of his parents. Finally seeing the real source of his insecurities as connected to the original betrayals by his parents enabled Jerry to begin to let go of his own fears about his own relationship. This led to more openhearted, honest conversations with his girlfriend and with his parents, who were relieved to have their secret finally out in the open.

Precedence

Jerry's Constellation not only illustrates issues of belonging and having a place, but also the issue of Precedence. The first spouses, in not being acknowledged as having come first, were being excluded in the extended family system. If both his Mother and Father had been able to acknowledge the hurt caused by the affair,  and to respect their original spouses as having come first, the system could have rebalanced after some time with everyone having their rightful place.

In this case, however, the ex-spouses were vilified as the reason for the divorce. This put Jerry in an awkward position, not only with the first spouses of his parents, but also with the half-siblings from the former marriages who knew the truth. Once this secret was revealed, Jerry’s symptoms were no longer needed and quickly subsided, to Jerry’s surprise and relief.

Case Example: "Maria"

In another case, a woman named “Maria” came to a Constellation because of chronic anxiety. She wanted to release the pressure she felt about never being good enough. She was a perfectionist, the oldest of a large family. She worked very hard and did well. She had friends who cared for her, and a family who, she believed, didn’t have a clue about who she was.

We set up her and her Mother, who she described as loving, but distant. The representative for Maria began pacing in the Constellation field, unable to find her place. The representative for the Mother looked on passively and reported feeling disconnected and guarded. Further questioning of Maria about any early losses, tragedies, or traumas in the family revealed that her Mother had previously had a child who was given up for adoption before marriage.

A representative for this child was brought in to face the “Mother”. Immediately, Maria’s representative stopped pacing and became very quiet. The child's representative was directed to say to the Mother's representative, “I am your first born child, and you are my Mother.”  

via Shutterstock

This brought tears to the Mother’s eyes.  After a few moments, she opened her arms for the “Child” to be accepted back into her heart. It also brought a sense of calm over Maria’s representative.

Once a connection was made between Maria’s “Mother” and the first born “Child," Maria’s “Mother” was instructed to turn the “Child” to face the representative for Mary. “This is your older sister,” she said to the representative for Mary. Then the representative for Mary was told to say to the representative for her sister, “You are first, and I am second.”

A smile was shared between the two “sisters." When all reported feeling calm and connected, the Constellation ended. Now this “Child” finally had her rightful place in the soul of the family system.  

Statements of Empowerment

via Inc.. Magazine

Constellations use very limited language; most of what is spoken in statements of empowerment and resolution are meant to get to the heart of the problem. In Maria's case, Maria suffered, struggling to finding her place in the family when the first born child was excluded and kept secret to most family members. Maria was told by her father when she had become pregnant before marriage, but it was a secret that was not meant to be shared. In fact, her Mother would not even talk to her about it when Maria told her about her own pregnancy.  

In a follow up session, Maria confided that it had never occurred to her that her restlessness and generalized anxiety had anything to do with her Mother. What became apparent in the Constellation was that she found peace when she took her rightful place in her family system and acknowledged her sister’s place as well.

In our next post, we will take a deep dive into how a serious imbalance between giving and taking trapped a very successful businessman in a haze of disabling depression two generations after the deed.

Stay tuned for Part 5 of the “The Stories We Tell” mini-series.
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