Growing Old

*I dedicate this piece to my beautiful Abuelita Beba. She helped raise me, and loved and accepted me as I was and am, without judgement. From the day she passed on, until the day I follow, I will always miss her.

Before my grandmother passed away earlier this year, she stayed in several rehab care facilities. Although she had tons of children and grandchildren, we all worked and were unable to provide the care she needed. Some of the facilities were in working/middle class neighborhoods, another was in an affluent area with a view from her room overlooking the beach.

What they all had in common, however, were insufficient resources for their underpaid staff, many of whom were desensitized or just straight out uncaring and neglectful. My grandmother would call me begging me to take her home. My heart broke as she would tell me about the mistreatment she received.

I did my best to raise hell. I spoke with social workers and administrative staff and nurses. I personally witnessed nursing staff ignoring my grandmother, as well as other patients.

She was afraid and paranoid. She wanted to pass in her own bed at her own home. Instead, she died alone in a strange bed in a place she abhorred. This is something I have obsessed over since my grandmother’s health began deteriorating. 

What does ANY of this have to do with body image?

There are many moving parts to the elder care system in the United States. I could write an entire paper on what I’ve learned, what is broken and what needs fixing. However, for the purpose of staying on topic with body image, I want to put into words what has been going through my mind the past year surrounding the way people of an advanced age are viewed by society, the way that image is shaped and perpetuated by the media, and how misrepresentation contributes to the toxic attitudes and behaviors I’ve seen aimed at seniors.

Based on what you’ve seen from watching TV or movies, what are some adjectives you would use to describe someone of old age? What immediately comes to mind, for me, is “cranky.” That’s number one. Elderly characters are often portrayed as someone who is completely out of touch with modern day social norms. We, as the audience, along with other characters in the show or film may literally roll our eyes or cringe when an elderly person is in a scene. It’s like we are all in on a joke, and that joke is grandma and/or grandpa.

via IMDB

There remains a stigma of elderly people (particularly women) being unworthy of love and affection, especially if that person is afflicted with some sort of age-related issue. You suffer from incontinence? You’re disgusting and should feel ashamed of yourself. God forbid you reach a point in your life where you must rely on others to help you attend to your basic needs. It is no wonder that we as a society (figuratively speaking) throw them away into nursing homes.

Again, there are several moving parts to this issue. There are, of course, those of us who are tortured by having to make the decision to have someone else care for an older loved one. Unfortunately, there are people who would rather ignore them and pretend they no longer exist than have to come face-to-face with the inevitable reality, which is that we all age and get older. 

via Pinterest

I was never afraid of death, so much as I was afraid of getting old. I am afraid of losing my independence and being seen as a “burden” or a “fool.” I am scared of being infantilized and referred to as “adorable.” And though it may be totally shallow, I also don’t want to be seen as “unattractive.”

I have started following social media accounts run by advanced-aged people, or people showcasing the badass-ery of the elderly, and it has given me hope. I am hopeful that society will have an awakening. I am hopeful more of us will be unafraid of aging. I am hopeful that many of the stigmas attached to the elderly will come to be seen as antiquated thinking.

via Advanced Style

We can obtain all the self-confidence in the world, but if that confidence comes with the condition we must be young and in good health, it doesn’t mean s**t.  Senior citizens are deserving of way more respect, dignity, and reverence than they are given. We have to collectively make an effort to not only show them respect, but extend that love, patience and kindness to ourselves as we grow old.

We are allowed to age. We are allowed to get wrinkles. We are allowed to ask for help as our bodies slow down. We are not objects for ridicule. We are not impediments to society.

Let us be more cognizant of the ways in which we view and treat our elderly, thereby giving each other permission to love ourselves, even into our twilight years.

For more inspiration on the wisdom and fashion forwardness of the elderly, check out Advanced Style, a documentary by Seth Ari Cohen. To make a positive impact on the way seniors are treated in rehab facilities, do your research and call your senators.

Below are a few Elderly Care Resources:

https://elder.findlaw.com/elder-care-law.html

https://www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23133.htm

https://abcnews.go.com/us/story?id=92689

https://www.nextavenue.org/5-steps-combat-and-prevent-elder-abuse/

https://www.prb.org//useldercareisinafragilestate/

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2015/04/a-better-nursing-home-exists/390936/

Reconnect with an elderly relative to see how they are feeling today.
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