Inspired by Anxiety: Butterflies
/I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again because I firmly believe it: Everything. Is. Connected. If you can try to embrace that idea, then the solution to any particular source of anxiety may not come from just one area of our lives, but be pieced together by taking action in many other areas. While each post in this series is devoted to a particular dimension of health, there will inevitably be some overlap, which I’ll acknowledge as well. With that said, on to the next dimension:
Butterflies
(Social Health)
As the idiom goes, “there are two sides to every story.” Within any relationship between two people, there are bound to be multiple perspectives, even if those two people agree on most things. Being that social health encompasses these interpersonal relationships, I found it a bit challenging to come up with three aspects of social health that impact feelings of anxiety because when looking at social health through the scope of anxiety, there are also multiple “sides to the story.”
Some people are “social butterflies.” For these individuals, social interactions come naturally to them. They are the life of the party, bold and confident, commanding the attention of others, sometimes simply by their presence alone.
On the opposite end of the spectrum are those who find socialization much more challenging. People (themselves included) may refer to them as “homebodies,” “introverts,” or even “hermits,” often keeping to themselves. They may have small groups of friends or simply even one or two people with whom they consider themselves to have a close relationship. Rather than being social butterflies, being social gives them “butterflies” in the stomach, that feeling of nervous discomfort from being around other people. In more severe cases, it is possible that such an individual may suffer from social anxiety disorder.
With that said, acknowledging which type of person you are socially might help you gravitate towards one versus another of the following three:
Find “Your Peeps”
Not the marshmallows. Yes, those are delicious, albeit quite artificial. But no— not those Peeps. What I mean by this is, find people who “get” you. People who understand you, can relate to you, and want to be around you as much as you want to be around them.
I almost said “find like-minded people with similar interests,” which isn’t not what I mean, but there’s also nothing wrong with having friends who understand and relate to you while having very different perspectives and interests in life. It may be easier and more comfortable to interact with like-minded people with similar interests, but we can also broaden our worldviews, learn new things, and expand our comfort zones by hanging out with people who are different than us as well. As long as you get along mutually, both are fantastic.
Having “your peeps” is a great form of support system for coping with anxiety. These are the people you can go to for advice, to vent frustrations, and to seek comfort. They’re the ones you choose to spend time with, whether you need to get out of the house or need a night in.
Granted, this is an area where being aware of your level of social comfort is important. If you’re somewhat introverted, you may need less of these types of interactions. If you crave human connection, this is might resonate with you more intensely and/or more frequently. Whether it’s one friend you connect with once a month, or a bunch of friends you see every week, having people you know you can count on if and when you need them can help you cope with your anxiety.
Stop Making Comparisons
Jealousy can be a pretty toxic thing in our lives, can’t it? Seeing others who have what we feel we could only ever wish or dream about having can really knock our self-esteem down a few notches. Not only that, but it can change the dynamics of our interpersonal relationships, making us bitter, passive-aggressive, or even vindictive.
via Gifer
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other people. We compare ourselves to the images we see in the media— on TV, in the movies, and on magazine covers— and these aren’t even people we know personally. On top of all of that, we’re now firmly entrenched in the era of social media in which we’re bombarded with images of our peers, friends, relatives, co-workers, and anybody else with a mobile device, internet access, and a social media account.
We have not one but two cameras in every smartphone and data plans that allow us instant access to platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We can now be our own photographers, and our social media feeds are like our own all-about-me, “LOOK, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME AND MY LIFE!!” digital magazines.
via Tumblr
So many of our social interactions are captured on social media today that the line between our digital personas and our real-life personas— what we broadcast our lives to be and what they really are— has become a bit blurred. If you don’t believe me, just search “squad” on Instagram and see how many tags come up. What percentage of those #squadgoals posts are of people having a bad time with friends, or being alone? The answer: Not many.
via Imgur
Loneliness is a powerful feeling. I don’t just mean the loneliness that comes with literally being by yourself in a place with no one else around. I’m talking about feeling like you’re isolated within your own anxiety and being overwhelmed by your own (at times painfully real) adult life. When we open Instagram only to see what feels like the rest of the world enjoying themselves, especially at times when we’re struggling with loneliness, comparing ourselves to others can cause that anxiety to multiply.
That’s not to say that comparing ourselves to others can’t be inspirational, because it sure can be. Seeing other people succeed at something we want to accomplish for ourselves can motivate us to do the same. Comparing ourselves to others for the wrong reasons, though, can cause us more anxiety than satisfaction. If we see something that inspires us and motivates us, by all means, that may be a healthy comparison to make, and if it is, then go for it! Just be conscious of how realistic and attainable it is for you, both in the short- and long-term.
Making Plans
Making plans with people can be anxiety-inducing in itself, especially if you consider yourself to be more introverted. There’s a reason I purposely didn’t categorize this as “Making Plans With People.” Being in tune with ourselves and what we need from others can help guide the way we structure our social lives. An important aspect of social health is knowing when to be social and knowing when not to be social if you’re just not feeling it. For exactly that reason, making plans doesn’t have to mean including other people if you don’t want to.
Most of us have that one friend who still tries to guilt us into doing something we don’t really want to do, but we go because “come on, just come out!” And so, we go begrudgingly and spend the whole time anxious and on edge, looking at the clock trying to figure out, have I been out long is long enough to justify leaving? Or, maybe I can figure out a way to sneak out. Either way, ultimately, we’re not likely enjoying ourselves.
via Giphy
The solution is simple: Let’s not do this. Sometimes, we just need a quiet night with a book, our favorite show on Netflix, or a bath and a glass of something refreshing, and that’s something we can for ourselves plan just the same as we would plan a night out. If you don’t want to be social, don’t commit to those plans or let yourself be guilted into them. Whatever it is that you need, own it. Make a plan, either to go out or to stay in and stick to it.
We have enough anxiety in our lives without the added anxiety of judgment from those who don't understand us, comparing ourselves unfairly to others, or putting ourselves in the wrong environments for our own social comfort. If you need support, ask for it. If your friends, significant other, or family doesn’t get you, try not to allow yourself to be influenced as much by them and instead surround yourself with people who do understand and appreciate you. If you need space, take some. Whether you’re a social butterfly, or more independent in your need for social interaction, be honest and be fair to yourself. Understand what it is you need (or don't need) from other people to reduce your anxious feelings and seek it out.
“Inspired by Anxiety” continues on July 18th, 2018.
Are you a social butterfly or more introverted?
What aspects of your social life help you to manage anxiety?
Share your comments at the bottom of the page.
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